When Boundaries Feel Dangerous After Narcissistic Harm

When Safety and Boundaries Feel Like Opposites

Setting a boundary after narcissistic or toxic harm can feel like stepping into danger. Your mind might say, "I need to say no," while your whole body screams, "This is not safe." If you were punished, shamed, or ignored for having needs, of course limits feel wrong or selfish now.

There is nothing broken about you for feeling this way. Your body learned that staying quiet, pleasing others, or shrinking yourself kept you safer. That was wisdom in a harmful environment, not a personal flaw.

As winter holds us in its colder, slower energy, many of us feel a pull to reflect on relationships. Shorter days and quiet evenings can bring up grief, fear, and also a longing for change. You might feel both the ache of what has hurt you and the spark of wanting something different.

Healing boundaries is not just a private self-help project. It is part of breaking deep patterns that patriarchy, racism, and colonialism put on our bodies. These systems teach us, especially women and marginalized folks, to over-give, stay silent, and disappear so others feel comfortable. As a holistic psychotherapist and transformational coach, I will walk with you through why boundaries feel dangerous and how you can move, slowly and gently, toward safety, self-trust, and liberation.

Why Your Body Says “No” When Your Mind Says “I Need This”

Narcissistic and toxic relationships often train your nervous system to see boundaries as a threat. Every time you tried to speak up, you may have met:

• Rage or yelling  

• Silent treatment or stonewalling  

• Threats to leave or withdraw love  

• Gaslighting, blaming, or mocking  

Over time, your body linked "saying no" with pain. So now, when you even think of setting a limit, you might:

• Freeze and lose your words  

• Agree to something you do not want  

• Apologize for having needs  

• Feel panic, guilt, or shame afterward  

Attachment wounds sit under this. Maybe love felt conditional. Maybe you were only safe when you pleased others, stayed small, or read the room before every move. In that kind of setup, boundaries feel like breaking an invisible rule about what you must do to "earn" love.

Emotional manipulation and trauma bonds can make this even harder. There can be an intense pull back toward the person who caused harm. You might crave their approval, fear their disapproval, or feel like you will not survive without them. So even when your mind is clear that you need space, your body might cling.

This is not weakness. This is what long-term harm and survival look like in a nervous system doing its best to keep you alive. The good news is that your body can learn safety again, at a pace that honors your limits.

How Narcissistic Harm Distorts Your Inner Compass

Narcissistic harm does not just hurt your feelings. It scrambles your inner compass. Gaslighting, blame-shifting, and emotional control make you doubt your own sense of reality. For people who already face racism, sexism, classism, or other forms of oppression, this is even more intense, because the outside world is already questioning your truth.

You might have heard things like:

• "You are too sensitive."  

• "You are crazy, that never happened."  

• "You are selfish for asking for that."  

• "You are the abusive one, look what you are doing to me."  

Over time, you may stop trusting your own eyes, your memories, and your feelings. You might:

• Minimize what happened to you  

• Explain away hurtful behavior  

• Stay in relationships that drain your energy or scare you  

• Override your intuition when your body whispers, "This is not okay"  

As a holistic psychotherapist, I see boundaries as part of remembering what is true. It is not just about saying no. It is about clearing away lies that say you are unworthy, too much, not enough, or lucky to get any love at all.

Reclaiming your inner compass is not only personal. It is political. Systems of oppression benefit when we doubt our worth and stay quiet about harm. Each time you say, "My reality matters," you are pushing back against those systems.

Boundaries as Ancestral and Spiritual Protection

Boundaries are not selfish. They are sacred. They are a form of energetic and spiritual protection around your body, your heart, and your purpose.

Take a breath and gently consider your lineage. Who in your family or community was not allowed to:

• Rest  

• Say no  

• Speak their truth  

• Be fully themselves  

Maybe they were silenced by enslavement, colonization, war, migration, or poverty. Many of our ancestors had to push past their own needs just to survive. When you honor your limits now, you are also offering healing back to them.

Boundary work can be a spiritual and grounding practice. Some simple rituals might include:

• Placing a hand on your heart before replying to a message  

• Lighting a candle when you are unsure and asking for clarity  

• Asking your ancestors, God, Source, or Spirit to show you what feels aligned  

• Saying a quiet prayer for protection before a hard conversation  

When one person says "no more" to narcissistic harm, it opens space for future generations to experience respect and nourishing love. Your boundaries are part of collective liberation.

You might gently ask yourself: What does sacred respect look like for me? Where does my spirit feel most drained, and where does it feel most alive?

Gentle Steps Toward Safety, Self-Trust, and Connection

Your nervous system needs softness, not pressure. Before, during, or after boundary conversations, you might try:

• Slowing your breath, in and out, a bit deeper than usual  

• Feeling your feet on the floor, noticing the support under you  

• Placing a hand on your chest or belly and noticing movement under your palm  

Start with "micro-boundaries," small limits that carry low risk, such as:

• Taking five minutes before answering texts  

• Practicing, "Let me think about that," instead of quick yeses  

• Leaving a gathering a little earlier when you feel tired  

Supportive, simple boundary phrases can sound like:

• "I am not available for that."  

• "That does not work for me."  

• "I need to pause this conversation."  

• "I am choosing not to discuss this right now."  

Notice how your body responds. Tightness, nausea, heaviness, or numbness might signal fear or lack of safety. Warmth, spaciousness, or groundedness might signal more alignment. None of these sensations are wrong. They are information.

As a holistic psychotherapist and transformational coach, I hold emotional, spiritual, and relational layers together. Healing is easier when we have supportive spaces, whether that is therapy, coaching, community, or trusted relationships that honor your full humanity and lived identities.

Walking Your Boundary Path with Courage and Community

If boundaries still feel scary, even after reading this, you are not failing. Healing from narcissistic harm and relational trauma takes time. There is no late, no behind, only the pace that your body and spirit can handle right now.

You might choose one gentle next step:

• Journal about one relationship that drains you  

• Practice a boundary with someone who feels safer  

• Create a simple daily ritual to check in with your body, like a hand on your heart for one minute  

You can reflect with questions such as:

• Where does my body whisper "no," even when my mouth says "yes"?  

• What kind of relationships feel like an exhale, not a performance?  

• How do I want my future self and future generations to experience love?  

Your healing is part of a wider movement of people, especially those impacted by racism, colonialism, and patriarchy, reclaiming dignity, voice, and rest. You are not alone. Your boundaries are a living prayer for your life and for the collective, supported by your ancestors, your inner wisdom, and all those who are choosing a different way to love.

Begin Healing With Support That Honors Your Whole Self

If what you have read resonates, this may be the right moment to work with a holistic psychotherapist who sees all of who you are. At Cynthia Santiago Borbon - SEO, we bring together mind, body, and spirit in a thoughtful, culturally aware therapeutic space. We take time to understand your story, your values, and the change you want to create in your life. If you are ready for the next step or have questions about getting started, contact us today.