Reclaim Relationship Safety After Narcissistic Harm: Somatic Repair Plan

Reclaiming Relationship Safety After Narcissistic Harm

Reclaiming a sense of safety in relationships after narcissistic harm is tender work. It is not about forcing yourself to trust again or pretending you are fine. It is about slowly teaching your body, heart, and spirit that they are no longer in danger, and that you are allowed to choose something softer and more honest now.

Early February often shines a bright light on this. The holidays are over, the cold still lingers, and messages about love are everywhere. This mix can stir loneliness, fear of repeating painful patterns, or a quiet ache in your chest. If you have lived through narcissistic relationships, workplaces, or family systems, this season can press on old bruises. Your body might tighten, your sleep might shift, and you may feel pulled between wanting closeness and wanting to run.

As a spiritual therapist and licensed psychotherapist, I, Cynthia Santiago Borbon, support women and femmes to heal relational trauma, rebuild self-trust, and rise beyond narcissistic harm. We do this through somatic care, spiritual and ancestral grounding, and deep attention to how oppression like racism, sexism, colonialism, and patriarchy shape our attachment patterns.

This is a gentle, grounded guide. We will walk through what attachment triggers are, a simple somatic repair plan, co-regulation skills, and tender scripts you can use in dating and friendships as you rebuild trust in yourself and in others.

Understanding Attachment Triggers After Narcissistic Harm

Attachment triggers are your body’s alarm system. They show up when something in the present feels like past hurt, even if today is different. Your nervous system remembers what your mind may try to forget.

After narcissistic harm, common triggers can look like:

• Silence between texts or calls  

• A short or different tone in a message  

• Someone asking for space or time alone  

• Being disagreed with or questioned  

• Feeling like you are “too much” or “not enough”  

When these things happen, your body may shift into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. You might feel:

• Panic, racing heart, tight chest  

• Urge to explain yourself over and over  

• Numbness, brain fog, wanting to disappear  

• People-pleasing so hard you abandon your own needs  

Many of us, especially Black, Brown, Indigenous, and queer women and femmes, have also been taught by white supremacy, patriarchy, and colonialism that our needs are a problem. We were told to be quiet, be grateful, be less emotional, work harder, take up less space. So when we ask for care now, it can feel dangerous.

These patterns are not proof that you are broken. They are learned survival strategies. Your body has been trying to protect you, even when those strategies now feel painful. With support, you can thank your body for how it kept you alive and gently teach it new ways to feel safe.

As a spiritual therapist, I also invite in ancestral wisdom, ritual, and practices that honor your whole self. Healing attachment wounds is not only psychological work. It is soul work, lineage work, and collective healing.

A Spiritual Therapist’s Somatic Repair Plan

When an attachment trigger hits, it is easy to jump straight into panic, overthinking, or self-blame. A simple somatic repair plan can give your body a new script.

You can try this 5-step framework: pause, orient, breathe, name, choose.

1. Pause  

   Just notice, “Something is happening in my body.” You do not have to fix it right away. You are just catching it.

2. Orient  

   Gently look around the room. Name a few things you see: “There is my window, my mug, my plant.” This tells your nervous system, “I am here, not back there.”

3. Breathe  

   Take a slow inhale, then a longer exhale. You might try breathing in for a count of 4, out for a count of 6, if that feels okay. Longer exhales help your body soften.

4. Name  

   Put simple words to your experience: “My chest is tight. I feel scared and small. My body is remembering.” You are not judging, just naming.

5. Choose  

   Choose one small caring action for yourself, like:

   • Placing a hand on your heart and belly  

   • Feeling your feet on the floor  

   • Humming or gently rocking your body  

   • Holding an ancestral object, like a photo, altar item, plant, or piece of jewelry  

Here is where spiritual and ancestral grounding can come in. You might close your eyes and call in a loving ancestor or guide, someone who would never gaslight or belittle you. Breathe as if you are being held by that presence. Let yourself feel even a tiny bit less alone.

This approach is part of liberation and decolonization. You are refusing the idea that you must push through pain, overwork, or emotional harm to be worthy of love. Instead, you are saying, “My body matters. My spirit matters. I deserve care.”

Nervous system repair is slow, spiral work. There is no perfect, no straight line. Every time you pause, breathe, and choose care, you interrupt cycles of narcissistic harm in relationships, workplaces, and family systems.

Practicing Co-regulation and Safe Connection

Co-regulation is how our nervous systems talk to each other. When we are with someone who feels steady, kind, and present, our body can relax a little. We remember that we do not have to hold everything alone.

For those of us healing from emotional manipulation, trauma bonds, and narcissistic harm, co-regulation can feel strange or unsafe at first. Receiving support may feel like waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is okay. It makes sense.

You can begin to practice co-regulation with people who already feel safer, like:

• Trusted friends or chosen family  

• Spiritual or ancestral communities  

• Therapists, healers, or support groups  

You might try simple phrases like:

• “I feel a little activated. Can we slow down?”  

• “Can we take a breath together before we keep talking?”  

• “I need a moment to check in with my body before I answer.”  

Here are some example scripts you can adapt:

• “Right now my body is remembering past hurt. I know you are not them, but I need a moment to ground myself.”  

• “I care about this relationship, so I want to tell you when I get overwhelmed instead of shutting down.”  

Allowing yourself to ask for this kind of support is not weakness. It is courage. It is a move toward collective healing, where care flows both ways instead of you doing all the emotional labor.

Rupture and Repair Scripts for Dating and Friendships

Ruptures, or moments of disconnection, are part of all relationships. Healing does not mean conflict disappears. It means we learn to tell the truth about what hurts and then watch how the other person responds.

It is important to notice the difference between:

• Everyday misattunements, like someone forgetting to text back once  

• Ongoing patterns of control, gaslighting, disrespect, or cruelty  

When you feel hurt or activated, you might try:

• “When you canceled last minute, my body went into panic and I felt unimportant. I know that may not have been your intention, and I am sharing this so we can stay connected.”  

• “I am noticing I am shutting down. I would like to come back to this conversation when I feel more grounded.”  

For boundaries and repair, you might say:

• “I am not available for being spoken to that way. If we are going to keep talking, I need us to slow down and stay respectful.”  

• “I need to pause this connection for now to focus on my healing. This is about my nervous system, not your worth.”  

Each time you speak from your body’s truth and honor your limits, you are rebuilding self-trust. You are choosing yourself instead of old trauma bonds.

Remember, repair is only possible when the other person is willing to listen, take accountability, and adjust their behavior. If they refuse, walking away is also a powerful form of repair with yourself and with your lineage.

Rebuilding Trust Through Liberatory Love

Rebuilding trust in dating and friendships after narcissistic harm is spiritual, emotional, and political work. You are pushing back against messages from patriarchy, white supremacy, and colonialism about who gets to be safe, loved, and believed.

You get to define what safety means for you now. You might ask:

• How do I want my body to feel in relationships? Soft? Peaceful? Playful? Honest?  

• What does my body say yes to?  

• What are my non-negotiables in how I am spoken to and treated?  

• How do my ancestors want me to be loved differently than they were allowed to be?  

As you practice boundaries, pause to regulate, and choose when to move closer or farther away from someone, you are part of a larger wave of healing. You are saying, “The harm stops here.” Not just for you, but for everyone who comes after you.

You are already on the path. The fact that you are reading this, noticing your body, asking new questions, means something in you is ready for a different kind of love. As a spiritual therapist, I, Cynthia Santiago Borbon, am honored to walk beside women and femmes as they reclaim relationship safety, self-trust, and sacred connection, one breath and one honest choice at a time.

Begin Your Healing Journey With Compassionate Guidance

If this article resonated with you and you are ready for deeper support, we invite you to work with a spiritual therapist who honors both your emotional and spiritual needs. Cynthia Santiago Borbon creates a grounded, culturally aware space where you can explore healing at your own pace. To ask questions or schedule a session, contact us and take your next step toward meaningful change.